Telling "My Story"-Navigating Dating and Friendships

I've come to realize how terrifying it is to tell people about my migraines. What people don't realize is that my migraines are a very personal, painful and current part of my life. Especially when things could possibly get romantic, it terrifies me to think that someone might leave me because of my migraines. Even if someone is just a friends, it terrifies me because I feel like I have to filter what is going on with me so that way I don't freak them out or make it seem like I'm some sick person who needs their sympathy.
It frustrates me, because sometimes I just need someone to talk to about my problems. I'm very lucky to have friends at home who were very involved and supportive of my illness. Yet uprooting and moving across the country has created a whole host of new issues. It's definitely hard when I'm just starting to get to know people to feel comfortable talking to them about what's going on in my life. Frequently, I find myself putting on a mask and pretending that I'm better than I actually am or downplaying symptoms. While I know that this isn't healthy, it reinforces the loneliness that I feel. I recently joined a Chronic Migraine Support Group on Facebook, and it''s helped a lot in providing visibility into other people's struggles. Yet even though I know that there are other people who struggle, the number of people in my life who personally suffer from migraines is very small, especially to the severity that I experience.
Having migraines is very anxiety-inducing, and even the most calm people will feel stressed and impacted. There is an overlying notion of the unknown which affects every part of your life. You never know when the next migraine will hit, when it will stop, or how long you'll feel the side effects. The unknown is the most terrifying part, because you can be relatively stable and enjoying life and the next moment you're lying in bed in pain.
As I'm writing this, I'm personally stressed out as I've had energy problems for the past week and an increase in frequency in my migraines. I'm working out transportation to go see my doctor at Yale on top of my class work and everything else that I have to do. And to be quite honest, I'm absolutely terrified that I will snowball again and become so sick that I can't function again. It feels weird, because this is so personal and I wouldn't tell this to half the people that I know. But it is accepting this vulnerability and showing it to others that informs people, and lets them know what is going on with migraineurs. As my parents have told me, communication is key. I am the only one who knows how much pain I'm in and how much I'm impacted, and if I don't say anything about it, I only suffer in silence. To everyone out there, migraineurs or not, it is important to convey how you are feeling, because you will feel better talking about it. I feel better even writing this post.
This is not to say that I don't have fears about dating and friendships, but I know that out there somewhere, there is going to be someone who understands and supports me. Sometimes, it's important to show that vulnerability. Sometimes it's important to hide. It's all based on how you feel, but always know when to ask for help.
I hope that this post made sense, as I'm quite emotional and tired. I hope everyone has a lovely migraine free week! And who knows... this may not be my only post for the week!

Aches and Pains

To many, the actual migraine may be the worst part of having chronic migraines. While it is true tthat it is the most excruciating and the worst pain in the world, its the side effects that are what is the worst and most stressful for me. After a migraine, everything is heightened, which makes even going outside seem daunting. My sense of smell, my sensitivity to light and sound, but most of all my aches and pains. I usually feel like my joints have been pulled apart and stuck back together, and my back and neck sometimes are so stiff that I can barely move. What's worse is that usually I have to go about my day pretending that nothing is wrong, smiling through the insufferable pain that makes me want to lie in bed all day. It's never fun to deal with any type of pain, especially when it just pops up out of no where. For example, as I am writing this, my back and neck feel as if someone punched it in and kept their hand there. It's not a fun feeling, but I've learned how to make it better for myself. So here's some tips to alleviate your aches and pains from yours truly.
1. STRETCH
Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it's not fun at all. But thank my mother for telling me to do this even when I would almost cry from the pain. It helps! I do some yoga usually,  very simple poses in order to try and loosen up my muscles. I usually start with child's pose, really trying to stretch out my shoulders and lower back. Them, the cat/cow pose on your hands and knees where you push your belly out, curving you back with your head up, and then breathe out, lowering the head and creating a bend in your back. Then there's also neck rolls, which are very helpful in loosening up your neck. While these will definitely not take the pain away completely, they will help you get to a point where it is possible to get out of bed. Furthermore, taking a bath or a hot shower where you slowly stretch you muscles to try and get them to release under warm/hot water.
2. Breathe
You may be surprised to hear this, but when I am in pain, I have to make conscious decisions to breathe. It's not that I forget, it's just that the pain takes over in my head and I forget to take deep breaths in and out. This can also help to alleviate the pain but also to calm you down and get to a point where you can think rationally.
3. Massage the places where it hurts.
If you don't have someone who can do it for you, you should try as much as you an to do it yourself. It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to move the muscle a little bit to give some release.
4. Remember that the pain is temporary
It may seem like the pain goes on for hours, but always remember that at some point, this will go away.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that you aren't alone, that you don't have to put up a front, I am guilty of that too. Reach out to close friends and family for positive reinforcement, and remember, that whatever you can get done that day is amazing.
Lastly, remember that I am always here if someone needs to reach out. I know how lonely this struggle can be, because I'm living it too. You are not alone, even though it may feel like it. There are many places online where spoonies and migraineurs can talk about their problems and get advice from other spoonies and allies.
I hope these tips help, and I hope that the rest of your week is migraine free!

Spoon Theory-Why it's Important for Non-Spoonies to Read

I had heard of the Spoon Theory before, and many people with chronic illnesses refer to themselves as spoonies (myself included!). Yet I read the actual article this past week, and I felt that it was so important to share with everyone because it struck a chord in a very deep personal place that I had been struggling with. After a couple of rough weeks, I finally stopped having migraines daily for the first time in about two weeks.  I was up to my neck in work, struggling to get everything done and trying to prioritize. While some of my friends can pull all-nighters and stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning, I can't do that for risking a migraine or even my possible functioning the next day. As I am currently trying to navigate how I live my life, it was very hard for me to see other people work and live their lives in such a normal way. For as much as I have come to terms with my migraines, I still feel like such an outsider. I have a couple friends here who I can talk to, but overall I feel unable to talk to people about my problems without making them feel bad for me. I don't want to make them feel bad, I just want someone to understand what I'm going through. Reading the Spoon Theory, it made me think of all of my friends that I wish that I could talk to about my daily problems. I think it is very educational, and necessary for understanding someone who has any chronic illness. As I am writing this, 4 days gluten-free again, and just grateful that I can focus,write and sleep again, I remember how lonely I felt and how lonely I feel when faced with explaining my migraines and my daily life to people who can never seem to understand it. I'm going to look into starting a chronic illness support group at my university, because it's important to build up a network of people who understand what you're going through as well as educating people who can become allies in your time of need. 
So here's the link to Christine Miserandino's blog, "But You Don't Look Sick." Her blog is truly amazing and worth the time to read her articles. 
Finally,  if you are reading this in support of someone with a chronic illness, I encourage you to read her article, and even test out the spoon theory with your loved one or friend who is suffering, to really understand what they are going through. For all my spoonies out there, remember that we can live our lives,  one day at a time.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful migraine-free week! 

Update- My Life and other Ramblings

I'm so sorry that I didn't post last week. My life has been a little bit crazy in the past two weeks, partially because of migraines and partially because of college. I did, however, end up in the ER two weeks ago for a really bad migraine, something that I had hoped was never going to happen, or at least not so soon. It was terrifying to be so unstable for that week. But being unstable and having to navigate my life actually made me more confident that I am able to handle the flare-ups that happen in my life. My professors are some of the most accommodating people, and it made me so happy to be able to talk to them openly about what disability resources I would need and attendance. I was on a 5 day push of three abortive medications, but that's what ended up breaking that flare-up. I'm writing this update because 1) I don't have time to write original material given the essays that I have to write soon, and 2) because I doubted myself and what I am capable of doing. I think that it is important that I realized how vulnerable I am, but also how strong I am at the same time. It is amazing that I can have a migraine and then drag myself out of bed the next morning and be able to be somewhat coherent in class. We migaineurs do not get enough credit for what we push through, so this is a statement of that. For anyone who is struggling right now and needs to talk about how they are feeling, please know that I am always here. I've lived through a lot, and am still learning about my condition every day. Migraines are a trial and error illness, between triggers and medications, it is trial and error learning how to navigate life through this.

For everyone out there struggling, I am proud of you. I am proud of you for looking forward and knowing that someday, this will pass. That one day, your migraines will become manageable and you can truly life your life to the fullest. Also know that even if you cannot, you are still important and your life is worthwhile even during times when you are sick. I know that this is a sappy motivational point, but it is so often that people focus on our illness and not on our daily accomplishments. It's important to feel proud of yourself if you're able to get out of bed on a bad day, and if you can get ahead in your work on a good day. It's the small things that matter, and the most important thing is that you believe in yourself.

I promise that next week I will have an actual post, I just felt like this was necessary. I hope you all have a lovely, migraine-free week.

-Ellie

I Just Want to Be "Normal"

Living with a chronic illness can often make you feel like you are the farthest thing from normal. From canceling plans to staying home from school, the chronic unpredictability takes a toll on our mental states. While I've been a victim of this mindset, I've also realized that the definition "normal" is independent to every person.
While I wasn't a person in high school who was going out every weekend and hanging out with friends all the time, my "normal" was learning how to live with my migraines and still enjoy my life. Now, in college, it's trying to manage all of my activities while also managing my migraines. For other people, their "normal" might be completely different than mine, and that's completely okay.
It's important to realize that even if you don't fit the mold for a cookie-cutter student/employee/person, that's good. You have something that makes you an individual, even though it can sometimes hinder your general quality of life. For me, my silver lining of my chronic migraines is that I've become an extremely strong person who can deal with a lot of problems thrown my way. I've also learned how to advocate for myself, deal with people who don't understand my illness, and recognize when I need to ask for help. For me, that has made me a better, stronger and more mature person.
Now, it's taken me almost 2 1/2 years to come to this mindset, it doesn't come just overnight. I've spent many nights crying because I felt like I wasn't normal and I wasn't following the "track" of my fellow students. This just lead me to realize that while no one says it out loud, everyone is on a different track. Everyone, whether they have illnesses or not, struggles and needs help. If you look at it this way, everyone is normal, because there really is no definition of "normal." My normal is waking up, taking 4 pills in the morning, doing what I need to do, taking 2 more pills at 7:30, doing whatever else I need or want to do, getting ready for bed and taking an oral solution of another medication. It sounds intense, but this is what helps me to function. There is a set routine of what I do and what I take, even if my day deviates into becoming a "migraine day."
The word "normal" is independent, it takes on a different meaning for each and every person. In a society where trying to conform is applauded, it sometimes makes it hard to realize that no matter what you are going through, you are "normal." There are other people going through what you are going through, and you should never feel ashamed to take a personal day or to make excuses for your illness.
Become confident in your "normal," in your own routines. Become comfortable in what you need to do to make yourself healthy and happy. It's a hard journey, one that even I'm still struggling with. However, by struggling and accepting this, dealing with your illness will hopefully become easier because you won't feel like an outcast in society.
Enjoy your week, and comment below what you think your normal is whether you have an illness or not!
Have a lovely, migraine-free week.
xoxo- Ellie
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